yum-itai

tonight itai made squash soup and what he calls "garlic soup" and invited friends over for a "monster potluck." i felt nervous for a bunch of the time. weighed down by the creamy soups in my belly and bolstered by gin. a strange opposing tension. and the people. the people always make for the final mix. who is there and how that adds spice to the experience. makes my heart race. and my stomach heavy.

tonight i am brushing my teeth and washing my face and going to bed. well, first i made myself a new playlist: friend mix. it's 3.2 hours long! i will fall asleep before the end of it. but each song reminds me of a friend. some friends get more than one.

all in all, i am a lucky lucky girl.

oh but how easy it is to get attached to having those warm arms around me at night. the comfort of another by my side. someone to turn to and talk...part of me says: let go, jump in. part of me says: watch out, danger. and another part of me says: just chill and see what happens. something inevitably will. it always does. i *could* be a manizer (is that a word?) and follow the path of those womanizers who bounce around without letting anyone in. i have met so many of these people. but unlike them, i don't have a "problem with intimacy." those are craig's words.

craig made me laugh the other day: either piss or get off the pot, he said. I think its allesandro barrico who has a character who says: very right, very true. or is it kate winterson? in any case, i imagine a dottering old aunt nodding off in a rocking chair. neither listening nor caring too, but giving enough so that her visitor will just leave her alone.

time to listen to my mix...