my neighbours are fighting

at least i think they are. their door has been slamming and slamming, shaking the entire building. and now i can hear darcy's raised voice outside my window, rising unintelligible above the flaming lips who are occupying my stereo at the moment.

i wonder what glue keeps people together. especially people who seem to disagree as often as my neighbours do. is it true that love must be passionate, aggressive, confrontational to be true? are there not other forms that are equally passionate and consuming, but less hard on us, our hearts?

there, the door slammed again and now there is silence out there. is someone set to sleep on the street tonight? another slam, that of reconciliation? vindication? frustration?

one time i was so angry i slammed the door of the freezer so hard the shelf inside the door broke. i've also punched pillows. which is safer. i have considered punching people. which is not safe at all and to be avoided at all costs.

i suspect the next time i fall in love it will sneak up on me like night stalks dusk. i have created safeguards against any sort of passionate sweeping away of emotion. that will happen no more. never again. never. too dangerous.

but in the end: who cares? what is the relevance? to make me feel less lonely? pshaw! lonely is point B. (Point A being that everyone you know will die, including you)

Today Marcus and I talked about the end of the world. He figures we won't have to live through cataclysmic change, but that our children's children will. and that life will be hard. they won't be prepared. they may not survive. i'm suddenly in less of less of a rush to procreate. and i thought i was a pessimist. but we both agreed that its not something to dwell on because, in fact, there's nothing to be done. our kind -- those humans -- set ourselves on this road a long time ago. the cards have been dealt. there is only the game to be played. in the meantime, thoughtful fun and celebration are legitimate means of resistance.

that's it! that's why. that's the why I've been looking for.