Back in Action!

I'm showing Su-Feh how to post pictures to her blog!
This is a photo taken by Junhong one morning.

Another DCMF memory

Adrienne
Originally uploaded by sbgood.

Ok, I know. I'm home now. But despite feeling mostly HERE I still sometimes still feel like I'm THERE.

Being home is good. David met me at the airport and held me while I cried and cried. I had just stepped off the plane. Just called my Dad to say i was OK. Just heard him say that when I left his house I left a hole, that they missed me. It was palpable, my absence.

And now I'm here and everything is the same, which is somewhat creepy, but not the same, which is also creepy. And life goes on and the dishes pile up and the laundry needs doing and so on.

More than anything else I feel like myself. Familiar and different. Happy. Loved.

familia

familia
Originally uploaded by Chonky.

The Family in Turner Valley. That's my Mom, Dad (hiding), me and Holly. We had an impromptu family dinner last night. Mom and I had taken a long drive through the Alberta semi-wilderness. The idea was to go hiking, but I don't think our hearts were really into it. So we didn't and instead wen to Elbow Falls, a beautiful place that has been carefully managed and built up to include walking paths (wheelchair accessible) and prime picnic spots.

Wandering the asphalt paths (as much as you CAN wander on asphalt) I began to understand why the beauty of Alberta has been a bit of a ho hum compared to what Noah calls the humbling beauty of the Yukon. The feeling of a place being manicured, packaged and managed for tourist enjoyment takes away from the beauty of it. All the people, tourists with cameras, bored children and grandparents resting on rocks -- they take away from the beauty too.

I guess it depends what you're heading out into the wilderness for: fresh air, exercise, quiet, or to check off yet another 'must see' from the 'have seen' list.

In any case, I was happy to spend some time with my Mom. To sit on a huge rock shaped with layers fallen away so that it ressembled a tilted, straight backed couch. To place my hands in the frigid Elbow River waters and to think of my friend André who most certainly would have dove in. To watch the boys jumping from rocks into the shallows, with their Dad standing watch, ready to help them out before they got close to the falls.

(The Falls, by the way, aren't that high at all. They fall in stages, as the Elbow River is an old river, mostly wide and shallow. These fast parts are few and far between. Mom didn't recognize any difference from when she had seen them as a child to now. They will, however, slowly wear away at the rock until the fall becomes merely a bump and then part of the smooth river channel.)

I go home on Wednesday. I miss home. I miss my friends. I worry that they don't miss me. That I've been away long enough that my absense has been blended into the experience of every day and that my presence will be more alarming. And I know that when I return to Vancouver that I will miss my family, miss the times we have had and the times we could have. I contemplate moving back, making a conscious break. No answers yet. Just thoughts floating.

dawson city memories

blurry adrienne
Originally uploaded by emilish.

Emily took this picture of me on Saturday night at the Dawson City Music Festival. She took a lot of pictures. Of me. And others, but lots of me. She was the self-appointed photo documentor of my trip to Dodge.

I like this photo because it looks what listening to music feels like to me. Except I feel it more in my chest and less in my eyes. But the blur, the movement, the people, the lights. All these things together. I think I'm smiling in this picture.

Today I loaded a bunch of music into iTunes, albums bought at the Festival from bands watched at the Festival. I waited awhile before doing it, not wanting to relegate music to memory, to RAM and catalogues. That would mean the experience is over, it is past. Which it is and I have moved on, but must all of me? Can I not continue to dream dreams of a nightless night? Can I not continue to superimpose the Yukon mountains over the buildings around me, the boardwalks over the concrete, dirt and gravel over asphalt. Only the sky remains the same, the sky that can go on forever. But there is always the angle of the sun, a dead giveaway when it comes to latitude.

I got an email from Saori today that made my heart twang. I miss my friends. While not completely ready to go home, I'm close. Close to ready.

David wrote me about returning from trips. How he used to store his bag and then walk to his mother's house, but not go in. How maybe he might extend his trip by going to Victoria, by wandering. Wondering what has changed: him, the places, everything, nothing. I am fairly confident I have changed.

Will I smell different?

post festival

I'm in Calgary now. The Dawson City Music Festival was an intense experience. The long hours of daylight made each day seem like four. Sometimes five. Upon arriving in Calgary last night I slept for twelve hours straight and could have slept for more if Mom hadn't woken me up for lunch. Which was delicious pizza from Lina's down the street. Despite the exhaustion, I think part of the reason for all the sleeping is the need for my brain to synthesize all the information I've been cramming into it over the past weekend. So many bands and music and people and thoughts and views and moments. And probably only ten hours of sleep. If the brain needs the sleep as downtime, filing time, then I certainly have been deficient in that category. And so: sleeping.

Dawson City made me feel really good. Loud music makes me feel really good. Sunshine, too. And trying new things. These are the things to remember as I slowly return to Vancouver. The things that fill me with energy, the things that make me feel good. And then, I can go from there, I can try and make those conditions apply in my home where I have too often felt not-good.

There will be photos. Emily took it upon herself to photo-document my trip. The best will be posted. Let me know if you would like to see the slideshow (when it's done) or receive the Adrienne's trip to Dawson Commemorative CD.

oh look at this!

andre, adrienne and charlie
Originally uploaded by emilish.

this is a shot taken in Sam's kitchen on the closing night of SHHH... a show produced by Spotlight Shadows. They brought me up here. That night I saw the sun rise and then slept on Charlie's living room floor.

last night in whitehorse

I don't know if you can see it, but I am a dark, nutty brown. The wind is high here, keeping the mosquitos off me as I check email and jot notes in the parking lot for the last time.

We wrapped the Letters Project tonight. No one showed up. Oh well. I'm not that disappointed, instead totally satisfied that if people felt like they needed more they would have showed up. Lack of attendance in this case is an indication of a happy audience: happy with their letters, happy to let the experience exist privately. Perhaps the big wrap up is more for the writers than for the readers. That's cool.

i'd like to try this project again except with Penpals instead. Maybe for the PCC in September. Now there's something to think about...

I met a young man named Noah today who was talking about how he had seen eagles mate twice in his lifetime. "That's something you're only supposed to see once," he said. Making me think and remember Mayne Island last year when Mel proposed to Saori. On our last day on the island we were sitting on the cliff we had nicknamed Eagle's Bluff. The bald eagles were flying by and I was fascinated by what looked like sea otters so far below in the ocean. I heard a group, 'whoa!' and looked over my shoulder and up where two eagles where flying in opposite directions. "They just collided, mid-air!" someone said. And that was it. That was the closest I've been to seeing eagles mate. And of course the others, who are already connected by birth and blood and choice, are bound together in mysterious and mundane ways. And me, the one looking down instead of up: what does that mean for me?

Kevin and I once talked about how there was bound to be a break at some point. Was that it?

But then when I think about the friends, the really good friends I have, breaks or none: we are friends. That's the way it is with me. You are my friend or you are not. And neither time nor distance will change that. You make a commitment to a person. Or at least I do. And I understand not keeping in touch and I understand doing your best, because that's what I do.

And instead of missing something I think, instead, there are eagles mating still ahead in my future. That omen has yet to be used in my life. There is more to come.

I'm going inside to try and squish all my stuff into two bags. I don't know if it'll work, but I'll certainly try!

on the road again

i'm heading to dawson city tomorrow morning. my time in whitehorse has flown by! I can't believe it, really. Working hard here on just a couple little projects with lots of time left over to have coffee on the street or to take the opportunity to chat with whoever is around. Jude said to me that I had the Whitehorse vibe. I guess that means that I'll be back. I'd love to be back. Things seem possible here. Which reminds me of what one of the women I interviewed on that first Thursday said: that the potential of this place is what drew her here. I can see that. I can also see that the vacuum is what drives people away -- even temporarily -- to gorge themselves on what is happening in other places in the world. Or even just the country.

I have to head home to cook that last piece of fish and finish packing. Yikes!!! Here we go!

humbling beauty

That's what Noah calls it, and yes, it is beautiful. And changeable. I think that's what I like best. That it was hot enough to threaten sun stroke this morning, then came the rain. And now the wind. The sky is what is most impressive: layers of clouds and colours, the sun which seems to set in slow motion. The sky, the clouds and vastness, remind me of my first home. The never ending sunset is only here. Here being north. What we love about summer, the evenings that seem to last forever.

I am missing my friends, and therefore treasuring them more than I do when I'm at home. Because when I'm at home I'm at work. And when I'm at work I have no time for friends. Summer time resolution: get a life!