12.25.2005

hmmm...

too much food, booze and good times leading to the inevitable crash of sad and tired and done in. I'm missing my friends, my chosen [selected] family members. And my solitude. i miss that too. I have come to enjoy being alone, being busy and then being alone. As much as i may feel like an outsider at times, I do really like my life. The way things are set up. Less working. Just that. And something to do with my allergies.

I've been thinking the past couple days about "amusement" — wondering what are the activities or projects I engage in solely for my own amusement. If left to my own devices, would I sit quietly and knit or observe the passing of other people other activities other projects. Would that be amusing to me?

I remember sitting at TD Square, a shopping mall in downtown Calgary, one Saturday when I was a teenager, 15? 16? I was waiting for a boy. David McMordie I think, though I can't really be certain. I was early or he was late and I sat waiting and watching for over an hour. How could I possibly have had that kind of patience? Why didn't I get frustrated and leave? I watched the people coming and going. I observed the sensation of time passing. I wondered where he was. But I didn't go anywhere. Am I, at the very heart, lazy? And — shudder — would that be so bad?

I am currently an object at rest and have no desire to be anything but. Right now. Soon, soon I will have more than enough to do.

And I have to remember the sad weeks. We are just about to enter the recurring sad week. It's OK. I will surface. i can be sad and surface again. I just need to relax into it.

i miss you, my friends, but I will see you soon.

12.22.2005

home for the holidays

welcome to christmas. time of spending. time of time. of not enough time. of too much time. time of wishing. of waiting. of hoping. of eating. of drinking. of sleeping at the wrong times and not sleeping at the wrong times. of wanting to be home. and being home. all at the same time. welcome to my christmas. christmas holiday. days. daze. that's where i am.

the light in calgary has been stupendous. slanting down in its winterly way. lighting up the smog trapped over the city in a thermal inversion. the chinook arch, majestic over the mountains, marching in like aslan's army through narnia. bringing spring and sprouting flowers and talking animals with it. ah... heavenly.

people here are not as i remember them. or rather, they are more than i remember them. i recall the sweetness, the comfort. i forget the impending senility, the second-guessing, the judgements and stereotypes. I look forward to the lobster on december 24th. are they, like jesus, sacrificed for the betterment of humanity. do those crustaceans die for our sins. or should their deaths weigh as heavy on our souls as our sins. oh wait, wrong holiday. please forgive me,

i'm knitting like a mad woman. tho right now, having finally rejoined the internet, i'm typing like a mad woman. like a knitter. quickly, with someone else's warmth in mind. but my fingers are cold in this chilly basement and i can barely feel my toes, so...

12.11.2005

Bloody Mess

So the whole reasoning behind this trip to Seattle was not the cross border shopping or the excuse to drink at bars where shot glasses are prohibited and the free pour reigns. It was not to mock the smokers, victims to Washington's recent anti-smoking bill that prevents people from puffing in any public space or within 25 feet of any doorway (unless they're moving – so conceivably one could walk around in circles). The point was not to catch up on sleep or spend too much money on feeding myself.

The point was to see the show. ("And why are you travelling to the United States today?" "We're going to see a play?" "A play. People still do that?")

The group is called Forced Entertainment. The play, Bloody Mess. And it was. In a good way. To give a blow by blow description of what happened would sort of give you an idea of the whole. But there was this aspect of accumulation: of moments, images, of stuff and mess on the stage, of time, of sound. And then this stripping away: of clothing, words, relationships, lights. It was chaos. And yet so well organized and orchestrated that it really poses a challenger to the viewer to answer the questions, "but what does it mean?"

(Side note: my Dad asks me that question when he comes to the see the tangential theatre that I make up. "It was good," he says, "but what does it all mean, Adrienne?" I say, "What do you think it means?" He may have answered. I don't remember. Ah, my life is slipping away from me through randomly inaccessible memory.)

What I really liked about the show was the sense of the group and the individuals within that group. I always felt like the group was working together. Each performer was responding to the others on the stage, even when all ten (?) of them were working completely separately. I appreciated the sense of danger. Electical amps and lights. Water splashing. The wrestling clowns who got so tired and bruised. I loved the Stars, two naked men holding giant cardboard cut outs of starts covered in tin foil. Their decision that now is a good time to share five minutes of silence and then the twenty minute discussion that followed, determing just what kind of silence we were going to experience together. Each silence – some were beautiful, but others decidedly awkward, morbid or tragic – mulled over and made palpable not by our experience of it, but our imagining of it. And the ideas: beginnings and endings; accuracy vs. sentiment; how performers desire the audience to see them; the intrusion of technology; the impossibility of crying on demand. And I liked the loud, loud music.

When the show was over (two hours and forty five minutes later!) I sat stunned. Camille turned to me almost immediately: "I'm so glad we saw that in the States," she said "It is a perfect comment on what is going on in World relations right now." Huhnh? I thought. Still stunned, too tangled in the accumulation of moment... moment... moment to be able to tie them together and create any sort of synthesis or summarizing statement. Encapsulation.

Later that night, over margaritas in the too loud Mexican karaoke bar (oh. my. god.) Norman talked about what it meant to him: a tribute to twenty years of working with the same company, all the personal relationships, the conflicts, the mess. And again, me: hunhhh?

I can see both perspectives. I can see where they are coming from, how Norman and Camille each got to their ideas. And I guess this is one more thing that I liked about the show: how it is completed, ultimately, by me – or you – by each audience member from their particular perspective at that particular moment in time. I know I will be thinking about it for a long long time.

I'm not afraid when I'm with you

We arrived in Seattle yesterday afternoon. I slept in the back of the car. Jamie had organized the muster times as follows:
8:30 - pick up Adrienne
8:45 - pick up coffee
9:00 - meet everyone at his house
9:15 - get the hell out of Dodge.

We met up in Bellingham for a slow breakfast and coffee at lunch time. Then I slept more in the car. Upon checking in, I slept even more after a hot shower and a symbolic attempt at reading a short story that i've been trying to read for about a week now.

In the car, my mind wandered, planning events and what could be considered a private performance piece. Its an exploration of the senses. I was having trouble with the ending, but I think I have it solved.

OK, so now its Sunday morning and I've sufficiently impressed my friends with how much I can drink (Camille: I can't keep up with you.) and how much I can eat (Camille, again: You're like, the smallest person here and you're just cleaning off that plate.) Which is, somehow, a little embarassing.

Goodbyes now and home soon.

12.08.2005

the restoration

Last night members of the playwrights group I've been facilitating explained to me the idea of Calvinism. In brief. The reformation of the Church around the idea that a person didn't need an intermediary (the church and the clergy) between themselves and God. And that God was not conceived by the Calvinists as the spirit personified, but rather a force, an energy? Hm. That's where things got hazy.

I feel as though the mediating factors are being cleared away when it comes to my heart, or certain feelings that have until now laid in stasis or slumber. I hesitate to name this feeling. I suspect that it could easily be filed under the letter "L" and yet I wait. I pause. Because four letters are too few. Or too many. I keep getting caught in the eternal circle of that "o" turning over and over myself, rolling in the soft roundness of it.

o.

When I travel to Lake Louise, I breathe a different air. I feel as though my batteries are recharged, those deep batteries that lie unfelt and forgotten. The blue of the lake, the icy mountain tops, the shimmer of the air. Even the tourists. These things fill me and refresh me. The Rocky Mountains, in general, do this to me. And Lake Louise especially.

My heart has been restored to me. My faith in... in... this feeling. That it even exists. And it does. I had started to doubt.