hmmm...

too much food, booze and good times leading to the inevitable crash of sad and tired and done in. I'm missing my friends, my chosen [selected] family members. And my solitude. i miss that too. I have come to enjoy being alone, being busy and then being alone. As much as i may feel like an outsider at times, I do really like my life. The way things are set up. Less working. Just that. And something to do with my allergies.

I've been thinking the past couple days about "amusement" — wondering what are the activities or projects I engage in solely for my own amusement. If left to my own devices, would I sit quietly and knit or observe the passing of other people other activities other projects. Would that be amusing to me?

I remember sitting at TD Square, a shopping mall in downtown Calgary, one Saturday when I was a teenager, 15? 16? I was waiting for a boy. David McMordie I think, though I can't really be certain. I was early or he was late and I sat waiting and watching for over an hour. How could I possibly have had that kind of patience? Why didn't I get frustrated and leave? I watched the people coming and going. I observed the sensation of time passing. I wondered where he was. But I didn't go anywhere. Am I, at the very heart, lazy? And — shudder — would that be so bad?

I am currently an object at rest and have no desire to be anything but. Right now. Soon, soon I will have more than enough to do.

And I have to remember the sad weeks. We are just about to enter the recurring sad week. It's OK. I will surface. i can be sad and surface again. I just need to relax into it.

i miss you, my friends, but I will see you soon.