momentum

these are momentous times we are living in. i wonder if every person who has ever lived in any time has felt this same sense of import. its not my life that i feel is important -- actually, no, it is simply that. it is simply that i have come to see the impact of what has always seemed a small and ant-like thing on, if not the whole world, at the very least this small corner of it.

its true that i live in priviledge. the things i have (and I have often been accused of having too many) are the trappings of beyond the middle of the class. i live in relative luxury, with three rooms, heat, running water and electricity. true, the bathroom sometimes stinks, but it's clean, safe and warm.

(I should mention that it is WAY past my bedtime right now. Words are not looking right. Priviledge? Privilidge? prividlige? wrong wrong wrong)

The violence I am subject to is insinuated and interpersonal. It is sanitized through keypads, spell checks and second thoughts. The violence I commit is championed in the name of "appropriateness" and "boundaries." The violence I commit is a skipped meal or a late night. My abuse of myself consists of working late and drinking beer by myself. Of wearing my hair in a ponytail and getting a head ache. I slowly annihilate myself by not eating my greens.

i feel like smoking. i feel like staying up all night. i feel like listening to really loud music. i feel like being alone. i feel like curling up inside the warmth of another person's arms. i feel like watching the sunrise. like hearing the crazy 3AM birds. like doing a lot of drugs. like getting really high. like dancing. like crying. like fucking. like like like.

i fear catastrophe is waiting beyond the door frame. i fear that i have written these words before. i fear i won't have the courage to - do what? make little pieces of art for like minded mice to nibble on? to learn how to read a cash flow statement? to pay my bills? to give away the books i don't read anymore? to love? FUCK THAT. I love. I do. very much. all the time.

If i am going to be a single girl forever - and this is a distinct possibility - i will have to set up some terms, some systems to help fulfill my needs. if i'm going to write, i have to write. and have the courage to suck. i will suck! i don't care. i must speak.

remember this: i must speak i must speak i must speak i must speak i must speak i must speak i must speak