argh

oh today, you torturer, holding me captive in the moment of now. i would much prefer to be safely coccooned in 'then' or floating softly in what could be. instead i'm tethered to this very right now moment, forced to watch the minutes crawl by, organizing my time by the songs playing on the radio, wishing for the ease of 'never' or 'forever' or at the very least 'whenever.'

get me out of here before i lose it. once lost, i fear, it will never be found again. what is this 'it'? that thin membrane that sits in front of my eyes; invisible but invaluable, it is necessary to stop the secret parts of me from leaking out, to keep my messy inchoate energy from contaminating every person i come in touch with -- those I love and those I don't. no one deserves to feel this way.

i am relieved to be alone right now. i stare at the computer screen, at the tiny progress of characters advancing across the white, wrapping around. they are the accumulation of my time. they are what my time amounts to. oh, and those power bills too. they prove i was here.

i just want to cry. cry and cry and cry. sail me away on a river of tears and get me the hell out of here.