manu knows where it's at
Parfois j’amerais mourir tellement j’ai voulu croire
Parfois j’aimerais mourir pour ne plus rien avoir
Parfois j’aimerais mourir pour plus jamais te voir
Parfois j’amerais mourir tellement il y plus d’espoir
Parfois j’aimerais mourir pour plus jamais te revoir
Parfois j’aimerais mourir pour ne plus rien savoir
Je ne t’aime plus, tous les jours
Je ne t’aime plus, mon amour
— Manu Chao
But the good news is that i don't hate *everything* anymore. not *everything*. there are still *some* things. no people. i don't hate any people right now. just things.
what has changed since yesterday when i didn't just hate a few things but *everything*? i'm not sure. i've attained a breakthrough in understanding this thing that i'm writing with my friends. the sun has come out. it's warm. i've been cooking dinner and eating more fruit and vegetables. i've stopped riding my bike and started smoking more. and drinking - a glass of wine before bed is always good. or two. red wine. always red. because of the colour. and music. listening to a lot a lot of music.
but there is still this niggling sense meaninglessness - futility - who fucking cares about anything i do, really? my parents like me to do things they can be proud of. i'd like to do things i could be proud of. i listen enviously as my friends discuss writers and books and ideas and wonder, when did things change? was there ever a time when i could have participated in such dialogue? (i don't think there was... i know for certain that philosophy has always irritated me...) can such a taste be cultivated? or am i doomed to be a pragmatic dreamer; trapped in my own whimsical wanderings and an endless 'to do' list.
there's something in me that's dying. i can feel it. my brain cells are atrophying. my vocabulary is shrinking. words spurt, they don't flow anymore. ideas - well i still have one or two of those.
this thing that's dying, will it grow back? if i take the time and stop doing *every*thing *every*one asks of me will i feel flexibility inside my head again? it can't be gone forever.
can it?
posted by awo @ 5/25/2005 11:20:00 PM
1 Comments:
I know that I have said this before, and maybe a part of getting older is repeating yourself, but I would like to stress once again what I believe to be a truism: We, in this generation, have two distinct midlife crises. Generally the first one hits us somewhere between 27 and 32(I myself had one at 32 and have in general always been a late bloomer). The second, and this is only a prediction, will hit somewhere around 47-60(what with our bodies aging much slower than before). All in all I think this has something to do with the general pace of the world including but not limited to the fact that a person who is 13 today will know more about the world than a person 100 years ago would have learned in their entire lifetime(here if it not completely obvious, I am paraphrasing popular statistics). That's a lot of stuff to compile with basically the same physical mechanism. Our parents' generation had one midlife crisis at about 45 when they realized that the choices they had made for career and family, etc. might not be the only ones they could have made. With all of the significantly different levels of choice and the completely different set up of our post-teen years of course we will feel it in different ways.
All this boils down to is this:
Adrienne, I love you and I feel for you and you are exactly where you need to be.
always
Kevin
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